1. "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
2. “A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."” ‘
3. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
4. "A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say 'How To Build A Boat.'"
5. "Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?"
6. “Black holes are where God divided by zero.”
7. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.”
8. “Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.”
9. “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
10. ”For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
11. "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
12. ”I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.”
13. “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
14. ”If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
15. ”I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”
16. ”I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.”
17. “I have an existential map; it has you are here written all over it.”
18. ”I have an answering machine in my car. It says, - I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
19. ”I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!”
20. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
21. ”I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.”
22. “I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
23. ”I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
24. ”I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.”
25. ”I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
26. ”I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
27. ”I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
28. ”I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.”
29. ”I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”
30. ”Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.”
31. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
32. ”Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.”
33. ”On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.”
34. ”Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.”
35. ”Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.”
36. “When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading it. It said: (1) Still tired from the move. (2) Everybody keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot.”
37. “When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?”
38. ”What's another word for - thesaurus?”
39. “You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
