1. ”As the poet said, "only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
2. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
3. ”Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.”
4. “Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.”
5. ”Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.”
6. “Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”
7. ”How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”
8. “How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.”
9. “I am at two with nature.”
10. "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
11. “I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
12. “I don´t wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light.”
13. “I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.”
14. “I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
15. “If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”
16. ”If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
17. "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
18. “In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
19. “Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”
20. “Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”
21. “It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
22. “It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.”
23. “I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
24. “It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
25. "I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked her to sleep with me and she said 'no."
26. ”I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.”
27. "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."
28. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
29. ”Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
30. "My brain: it's my second favourite organ."
31. “My father was fired. He worked for the same firm for twelve years. They replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything that my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one.”
32. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
33. “Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable, with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.”
34. “Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”
35. ”Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.”
36. ”Sex relieves tension - love causes it.”
37. “Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing”
38. ”Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.”
39. ”She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.”
40. ”The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife. . . . Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.”
41. “The French make two mistakes about me: they think I´m an intellectual because I wear these glasses and they think I´m an artist because my films lose money.”
42. “The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.”
43. “The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.”
44. “The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.”
45. “There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
46. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
47. “Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
48. “To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from notloving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”
49. “To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
50. "What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
51. “What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?”
52. "When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
53. “When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.”
54. “Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
