1. “Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.”
2. “After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.”
3. “A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.”
4. “Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the ompany. The safest approach is to remove all useful information.”
5. “Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”
6. “Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”
7. “Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.”
8. “Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.”
9. “Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
10. "Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems."
11. “Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.”
12. “I believe everyody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.”
13. “I’m a liar. Therefore, I don’t believe what you’re saying.”
14. “I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.”
15. “I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.”
16. “I don’t listen to country music. Therefore, country music is not popular.”
17. “I don't mean to imply that leadership is the same as a con job. The differences are substantial, in the sense that leadership pays much more and doesn't require quick wits.”
18. “I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.”
19. “If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.”
20. “I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.”
21. “In fact, companies are borrowing more techniques from cults every day. For example, cults try to separate you from the rest of society. Companies make you work so many hours that you never see the rest of society. Cults tell you to wear dorky outfits. Companies tell you to wear dorky outfits too, except on casual day, when they tell you to wear _casual_ dorky outfits. Cults make you give them all your money. Companies make you give them all of your ideas, inventions, and patents. Cults make you chant. Companies make you answer the phone the same way every time. Cults teach you to clear your mind of all thoughts. Companies make you attend meetings. Coincidence?”
22. “In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you hear a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.”
23. “Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself.....where the hell is the ceiling?”
24. “My reality check bounced.”
25. “Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.”
26. “Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.”
27. “Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”
28. “On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.”
29. “Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.”
30. “Technology: No Place for Wimps!”
31. “Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.”
32. “The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.”
33. “The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.”
34. “The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.”
35. "There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as "nutty methods." Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."
36. “There's a fine line between participation and mockery.”
37. “When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.”
38. “You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.”
39. “You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.”
40. “You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.”
41. “You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.”
42. “Your business clothes are naturally attracted to staining liquids. This attraction is strongest just before an important meeting.”
