1. "And so the planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meal. Funny isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with."
2. "As far as babies are concerned, the sole function of the world is to provide objects for them to drool on. If you were to open up a baby - and I am not for a minute suggesting that you should - you would find that 85 to 90 percent of the space reserved for bodily organs is taken up by huge, highly active drool glands."
3. ”Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, he uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the self-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the savvy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and borderline insane.”
4. “Don’t be boring. Don’t assume every thought you have is fascinating to others. Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.”
5. “Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”’
6. "Even as you read these words, white-coated laboratory geeks are working on a revolutionary new camera that not only will focus automatically, set the exposure automatically, flash automatically, and advance the film automatically, but will also automatically refuse to take stupid pictures, such as the wing out the airplane window."
7. “Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.”
8. “Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed, when the year 2000 arrives, our financial records will be inaccurate, our telephone system will be unreliable, our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words, things will be pretty much the same as they are now.” (1997)
9. "Here's a tip: Babies never cry because their diapers are dirty. You change their diapers only to make youself feel better. You could leave the same diaper on your baby for months and it would be perfectly happy, although considerably heavier and less pleasant ot be around."
10. “If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human race, I would give the same answer that most peope would: nuclear war, global warming and Windows.”
11. "If you've been reading the trend sections of your weekly newsmagazines, you know that "yuppies" are a new breed of serious, clean-cut, ambitious, career-oriented young person that probably resulted from all that atomic testing. They wear dark, natural-fiber, businesslike clothing even when nobody they know has died. In college, they major in Business Administration. If, to meet certain academic requirements, they have to take a liberal-arts course, they take Business Poetry."
12. “I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.”
13. "It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
14. “Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.”
15. “Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over." “
16. “MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.”
17. "NEWTON'S FIRST LAW OF FURNITURE BUYING: The amount you will hate a given piece of furniture is equal to its cost multiplied by the length of time, in months, it takes to arrive."
18. “Over the decades, _Cosmopolitan_ has printed literally thousands of surefire techniques for driving men insane with passion. ... [But] _Cosmopolitan is making this issue way more complicated than it actually is. I mean, we're talking about MEN here. You don't need rocket science to drive them wild in bed: All you need to do is to get in there with them. Or, just leve them alone for awhile. Because men don't need much. Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador retriever.”
19. “Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.”
20. "Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating."
21. The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.”
22. “...the Internet "browser"...is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.”
23. “The Internet [is] a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other....While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most uninhibited, intimate and—yes—shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS" settings. “
24. “The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat.”
25. “The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
26. ”The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.”
27. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”
28. "There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings."
29. "There is a very fine line between ""hobby"" and ""mental illness."
30. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.”
31. "[Toddlers] have plenty of energy. During a standard restaurant meal, a standard toddler can easily toddle 58 miles in totally random directions, while your hamburger cools and eventually reverts to a frozen patty. You have to follow toddlers closely at all times, because they could cheerfully toddle right out the door and into the path of a cement truck."
32. “USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'”
33. “We were one of those wretched traveling families you see getting on planes - the kind where you don't actually see the people, just this mound of baby equipment shufling slowly down the aisle toward you. This sight is always hugely popular with the other passengers, some of whom will yank open the emergency exits and dive out of the plane. Because they know what babies do on planes: They stand on their parents' laps and stick their heads up over the seats, so they can get maximum range when they shriek. On a baby-intensive airplane, you see shrieking baby heads constantly popping up all over, like prairie dogs from hell.”
34. "What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad."
35. "You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!'"
36. "Your brain cherishes embarrassing memories. It likes to take them out and fondle them. This probably explains a lot of unexplained suicides."
37. " 'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto.""
