1. “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.”
2. ”Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.”
3. “Advice (n): The suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit.”
4. “All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.”
5. “Beauty (n): The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.”
6. “Belladonna (n): In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.”
7. “Better late than before anybody has invited you.”
8. “Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.”
9. “BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think.”
10. ”Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
11. "Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
12. ”Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.”
13. “Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.”
14. “Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.'”
15. “Conservative (n): A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.”
16. “Conversation (n): A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.”
17. “Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.”
18. ”Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs.”
19. ”Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.”
20. ”Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.”
21. ”Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.”
22. "Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure."
23. “DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.”
24. ”Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”
25. “Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.”
26. “Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
27. “Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.”
28. “Genius - To know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.”
29. “Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”
30. “Harbour (n): A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the Customs.”
31. “I DREAMED I was dreaming one morn as I lay
In a garden with flowers teeming.
On an island I lay in a mystical bay,
In the dream I dreamed I was dreaming.”
32. “Imagination, n.= A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.”
33. “Incompatibility: In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.”
34. “INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.”
35. ”IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.”
36. ”Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.”
37. “JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.”
38. ”Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B, and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.”
39. “Language: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.”
40. ”Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.”
41. ”Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.”
42. “Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.”
43. “Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.”
44. “Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”
45. “Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators.”
46. “Man (n): An animal [whose] ... chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.”
47. ”Marriage, n. A community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all two.”
48. “Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.”
49. “Ocean: A body of water occupying two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”
50. “Optimism. The doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.”
51. “PATIENCE, n. -- A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.”
52. “Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.”
53. “PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.”
54. "PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy."
55. “Quoting (n): the act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
56. “Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.”
57. ”Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.”
58. “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”
59. ”Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”
60. ”The bold and discerning writer who, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary.”
61. “There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”
62. “The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.”
63. “Weather, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.”
64. “Year; A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.”
